Fun With Alphabet Pal!

If it hadn't been for Greg's comment here regarding Nora's winter vacation, I completely would've forgotten about David Sedaris's "Baby Einstein" essay, in which he recounts the adventures of his brother Rooster and his child's new Alphabet Pal toy. The most intriguing feature of Alphabet Pal is the letter sounds mode, which gives the basic phonetic sound of each letter as you press the appropriate foot.

Now, to what I believe is our great credit, Phil and I hadn't actually figured out why Alphabet Pal would giggle and say "that tickles!" when you did certain letter combos. "U" and "C," or, if you did them quickly enough, "A" and "Z" or "I" and "T." (We were far more concerned with using the Alphabet Pal to make old-school style rap jams). Remembering the Sedaris essay made everything fall into place, and during one of Nora's naps, we thoroughly explored the capabilities of the wily phonetic caterpiller. Herewith, then, is a summary of our findings. Note that these have not been peer-reviewed.

As one might expect, most of the seven dirty words are either blocked (fuck, cocksucker -- just plain cock, for that matter -- tits, piss, motherfucker) or impossible to actually say with the Alphabet Pal ("shit," for example, is impossible to reproduce with the Alphabet Pal, as pressing "S" and then "H" sounds like "sssss huhhh."). The limitations that render the Alphabet Pal unable to say "shit" also render it unable to say "bitch," so one can spell "buh ih tuh kuh huh" with impunity. And as all the vowel sounds on the Alphabet Pal are short, you can't make the little rascal say "pussy," for example. There are a few other words the Alphabet Pal won't let you say. "Cum," for one. "Dick," for another. "Damn." "Prick."

Certain combinations of letters are considered so potentially offensive that the Alphabet Pal will giggle whenever you use them. "U-C" or "U-K," for obvious reasons, as preventing this combination prohibits the Alphabet Pal from saying either "fuck" or "suck." It also prevents it from saying "duck," "pluck," and "luck," but I'm sure there's some context in which they're obscene, so I give full props to the Alphabet Pal. "A-S" or "A-Z" is another. If you're trying to sound out "gas" or "jazz," you're suh huh ih tuh out of luck.

However, the folks at Leap Frog didn't anticipate some of the words we threw at it. "Jizz," frankly, was an obvious oversight. Same with "cunt." I can't really fault them for not blocking "cunnilingus," "putz," and "pimpslap," though, and I suspect that allowing "hell" and "butt" was an intentional decision.

What really shocked us, however, was the Alphabet Pal's treatment of ethnic slurs. We tried every offensive term for an ethnic group we could think of. The Alphabet Pal blocks exactly one. Just think for a minute. I'll bet you can guess what it is. Got a guess?

It's "wop."

You can use the Alphabet Pal to spell out all the Jay-Z lyrics you want. You can call your husband a "cracker" or a "honky." You can spell out everything Stormwatch has to say about the Chinese or Hispanics. But you better not mess with the Italians. Phil's personal theory is that the Alphabet Pal was created by Italian racists. I was inclined to believe that at first, but the more I think about it, the more the influence of the Mafia shines through. You know, on second thought, perhaps I oughta shut up about the Alphabet Pal before I end up on the bottom of the Monongahela........